


i realize what i've done.

by Anonymous



Series: the thoughts of youth are long, long thoughts. [9]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Long-Haired Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Protective Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Violent Thoughts, Worried Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), any character that is not dream or sapnap is only mentioned, unhealthy eating habits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:01:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29944872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: dream's just returned from his trip, everything is good. everything is okay with dream and sapnap. dream is okay, right?__or sapnap finds cuts on dream's wrists.__he flops back onto the bed, it makes a creaking noise, sapnap hears it and huffs. dream isn’t come down? he’s gonna nap, without him?“dream!” he yells dragging his name out. dream whines not wanting to move yet.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: the thoughts of youth are long, long thoughts. [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2109159
Comments: 8
Kudos: 60
Collections: Anonymous





	i realize what i've done.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [raw_eggs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raw_eggs/gifts).



> HI pls pls pls read the tags for triggers! 
> 
> this was requested from my request book so if there's anything you want written just leave a comment there! just click on the series and it should be there! 
> 
> sorry this took so long, i had no idea how to progress it! 
> 
> also the lyrics are from yung and writhing by rew!

dream doesn’t know when he started doing it, well he didn’t realize. he knew it was wrong, he knew, but it made him feel better. because it was wrong he had to hide it, even from his bestfriends. (four years.)

_suddenly it’s late,_

he stopped doing it on his wrists, moving to his upper arm, so they wouldn't find out. so sapnap wouldn’t find out. 

_he realizes what he’s done._

he’s stopped, at least for now. it’s been a month since he’s hurt himself. he’s only stopped because he’s been traveling for two months. he’s been out to get resources for the sap (and the smp), the first month he didn’t stop, but soon realized all he was doing was wasting his materials. he had more at his house, and the community house so it would have to wait. (no matter how tempting it is.) 

he pulls out his communicator to see if he has any messages from anyone.

_sapnap whispers to you: when are u gonna be home idiot_

home? yeah, him and sapnap are dating, but does he really see dream’s house as his home? dream doesn’t even see it that way (yet.) 

_you whisper to sapnap: yeah! i’m already on my way back, gonna see if there's buildings near to loot tho :)_

_sapnap whispers to you: ok i miss u let me now when you’re near!_

_sapnap whispers to you: know_

___

it’s around midday by the time he realizes he is near his smp. 

his recounts all the items he gathered. totem of undying for sapnap, a few golden apples, more diamond armour (he has netherite ingots in his ender chest,) and a few other gifts for sapnap. 

_you whisper to sapnap: i should be there soon :)_

he waits a few minutes, but gets no response. interesting. he’s nearing the community house when he spots george. “george!”

george looks around confused, when he spots dream he says, “huh? what? hi?” dream tries to act nonchalant, but he really did miss sapnap. “have you seen sappy?” “oh- uh- maybe? i don’t know, i don’t really pay attention. i jus woke up.”

dream rolls his eyes from underneath his mask, but gives george a waving motion and pats his shoulder. “ah, well alright. see you later, georgie.” “mmm, yeah, whatever. don’t call me that.” 

he spots a few others, but decides to leave them alone knowing they aren’t that close to sapnap. (besides karl, but he seemed like he was in a rush. he was muttering to himself.) 

___

he opens the door to his house, roughly pulls his boots off not caring for the laces and stumbles upstairs to take everything else off. he goes to his room (their room) and pulls off his dark cloak and lime hoodie. 

_they say meaning comes from what you care about_

he hadn’t washed his clothes for two months so he had felt disgusting. he would’ve washed them in a river, but he didn’t have any extra clothing to wear if they needed to dry. 

underneath the hoodie is a sleeveless black shirt, he pulls that off as well, throwing it onto the floor, he’ll pick them up later. he tugs off his loose pants, he’s now only in his boxer and socks. 

_you whisper to sapnap: where are yooou?_

_sapnap whispers to you: what are u dumb or something_

he hears the clanking of things downstairs. oh, he was here. he hadn’t noticed him when he walked in. guess he’s more exhausted than he feels. 

dream yells out, “i’m gonna shower!” sapnap doesn’t give a loud response, but dream thinks he hears, “m’kay.”

he grabs a white shirt that’s hanging off his wooden chair, goes through his drawers to find his favorite green sweatpants and grabs a clean pair of boxers. he goes to the restroom, not bothering to lock the door in case sapnap needs him. 

___

  
  


he dries his shoulder length hair out with his blanket having a towel wrapped around his hips. he slips on his shirt, ignoring the scars that contrast against his fair skin. he takes the towel off and puts his boxers and sweatpants on. he’s finally _clean_ again. he goes to sapnap’s drawer and grabs some of his black socks to put on. they’re not the same size, but it’s close enough. he picks up the dirty clothes and throws them into sapnap’s hamper. sapnap always seemed like the messier one, but he’s quite tidy, the only thing he leaves messy are his dishes. (he hates them so much, so does dream, but he does them anyway. for sapnap.)

he flops back onto the bed, it makes a creaking noise, sapnap hears it and huffs. dream isn’t coming down? he’s gonna nap, _without him_? 

“dream!” he yells dragging his name out. dream whines not wanting to move yet.

_ <dream> what _

“i miss you! come down, cub. pleeasee!” dream groans and turns his body around, pushing his face into his pillow. 

_sapnap whispers to you: pspspspspspsps_

his lips tilt up into a small smile and he gets up. he closes the door on the way out of their room and heads downstairs. 

he spots him in the hallway. “sappy.” “dreamie.” at the same time they say, “i missed you.” dream hugs him, sapnap notices something on dream’s wrist. he’ll ask him about it later. 

“how was your trip?” dream’s face lights up, “i got you so many things, sap!” “oh? really? thank you, dreamie.” “you don’t even know what they are yet, dumbass.” 

he notices how large the eye bags under dream’s eyes are. yeah, he’s never had the best sleep schedule, but dream looks like shit. “dream.” dream look towards him, a confused look on his face, “yeah?” “when was the last time you slept more than two hours?”

“okay so-” “we are napping, but after you eat.” dream shoulders slump at the mention of sleeping, but perks up at the mention of food, “what’re we gonna eat?” _all dream had eaten was stale bread he had stolen from villages even that bread was limited, he only ate it when he got stomach pains, and a few golden apples when necessary._ “uh- puffy came by earlier and dropped off cookies! oh and i cooked some potatoes and beef in the smoker earlier so we can eat that!” sapnap says. (his smile is so contagious.)

dream pushes his forehead against sapnap’s, and pulls him to the kitchen. sapnap hadn’t noticed before, but not only are dream’s eye bags huge, but he’s a lot thinner than before. “dreeeam?” “what now?” dream says, annoyance clear in his voice. “let’s have an arm wrestle!” “wha- okay!”

_sapnap has always been stronger than dream, dream is swiftness and agility whereas sapnap is brute strength and muscles. so whenever they wrestle sapnap usually wins, but dream puts up a really good fight._

they both sit at the small table, on opposite sides, “oh, you’re on pandas.” sapnap fakes a smile knowing dream is going to lose hard. 

(dream doesn’t notice that his wrists are so _exposed_ . ~~fuck~~.)

“dream?” sapnap says, voice shaking, “what’s wrong? are you okay, pandas?” sapnap takes his hand out of dream’s and grabs his forearm, dream tilts his head like a confused puppy. sapnap doesn’t know how to say it. what if dream freaks out? what if he lies?

“what’s that on your wrist? scars?” dream looks down, moss eyes widening as he realizes what sapnap is talking about. 

“i- it’s really nothing-” he stutters out not even getting to finish his sentence as sapnap interrupts, “don’t lie to me dream.” “sap, you’re gonna be mad.” dream says dejectedly. “i won’t.” liar. 

dream knows he can't get out of this. “it- i don’t know how to explain it, uh i don’t know. sometimes i get so angry, empty, that i feel like i have to break something. like i have to hurt something, someone, just to get rid of it. and i- i can’t hurt you, you’re mine. i can’t hurt anyone, i...the only option is to hurt myself-” sapnap feels his heart stop, “you could’ve come to me, dream. i’m here. i always am.” “shut up!” dream retorts in a joking tone, but red, gleaming eyes a reminder of the topic. sapnap puts his hands up in mock surrender, not wanting to push the boy.

“i ju- i can’t make the thoughts go away so i have to. i have to hurt myself. it’s the only thing that works.” dream stops, words ending in a whisper. sapnap waits for dream to continue, eyes following his hand. dream pulls up the short sleeve, there’s more scars. one scar in particular standing out, all the lines are parallel except for this one. it’s deeper, sapnap can tell because of how much darker it is than the rest. he looks up into dream’s eyes, giving him a questioning look. dream nods. 

he reaches his hand out, touching his upper arm, running his fingers against the small scars. “does anyone know?” “no. and i don’t want them to.” sapnap pulls his fingers away, “do you want to eat and then talk? or wait for tomorrow to talk?” “second one.” 

sapnap gets up and gets their plates.

_they were made by dream, when puffy was reteaching him how to do pottery. the most he did was plates and bowls, no longer as outgoing as he was when he was just a boy._

sapnap serves them. (putting a little more than usual on dream’s plate.) 

they eat comfortably, every so often dream tells a story about his trip. like how he found a heart of the sea in some shipwreck! or how when he was swimming he had seven dolphins with him! how he got a parrot, but sadly had to leave it behind so it wouldn’t starve to death. there are no seeds in the desert. 

__

“what else is there to talk about?” dream says, they’ve only been up a few minutes. he remembers the previous night, but really what else? he had basically poured his heart out, hadn’t he? “are you okay?” oh, yeah, that. 

they had both been sitting up in bed, not wanting to risk falling asleep again. but as soon as he heard sap ask that he crashed into him. laying completely on him, not that sapnap minded. 

dream is crying into his neck. it’s not his normal crying, usually he tries to hide any negative emotion, besides being cocky, but now he’s so loud. he doesn’t care, he sobs into his boyfriend, gasping for air. “tell me i’m fine, tell me i’m fine!” dream cries, sapnap’s lips turn into a grimace. he can’t lie. “you know i can’t do that.” 

“i kno- i know! i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sor-” “hey...hey, it’s okay. it’s okay that you’re not okay. every- you’ll be okay, it’s gonna take a while, idiot boy.” sapnap says softly, gently rocking dream. he sees the exhaustion in dream. not only from his trip, but from all the hurt as well. he continues rocking, he sees dream’s eyes close. he’s still half-awake. he makes soft hushing noises, and doesn’t stop rocking him until he hears quiet snores. 

_sapnap is his home._

he smiles fondly, letting himself drift away. 

_dream is his home._

  
sometimes dream _seems_ so bright, like a star. like the sun, his bright smile like beaming rays. he _is_ a cave, pitch dark, nothing known in it unless explored. luckily sapnap is a torch.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos, comments, and bookmarks r appreciated B) ! ily you all
> 
> 90% of dreamnaps interactions and petnames are based on me and my boyf yea we gay


End file.
